Intimate partner violence affects both straight and same-sex couples, though data shows rates are often comparable to or higher in queer relationships. Around 35.6% of women and 28.5% of men experience physical violence, rape, or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. However, approximately 60% of gay men and 63% of lesbian women reported that they experienced psychological intimate partner violence. Below is a more in-depth breakdown of these statistics:
• Lesbian or Gay: 43.5 victimizations per 1,000 persons (more than double the rate of straight persons).
• Bisexual: 32.3 victimizations per 1,000 persons.
• Straight: 19.0 victimizations per 1,000 persons.
• Transgender: 51.5 victimizations per 1,000 persons.
About 20% of all domestic abuse survivors obtain a civil protection or restraining order against their abuser, although millions experience physical abuse, rape, or stalking by intimate partners each year. Research further indicates that LGBTQ+ survivors seek orders of protection at much lower rates than straight survivors—often comprising fewer than 5% of all applicants in certain jurisdictions — due to fears of discrimination, being “outed” by the abuser, or a lack of LGBTQ-affirming resources. So, in short, although the LGBTQ+ community is experiencing abuse at a much higher rate, the straight community comprises over 95% of all restraining orders sought.
Let’s take a deeper dive into why these numbers are so shockingly different:
It is a common misconception that abuse is rare amongst non-hetero relationships. This is often believed because the stereotypical picture of abuse is thought of as a man against a woman. Due to this common belief, many individuals experiencing abuse within non-hetero relationships often don’t recognize that they are being abused by their partner. This is also true at a systemic level, as many support systems and abuse resources don’t adequately address or see LGBTQ+ intimate partner violence as violence. For many same sex couples, emotional abuse appears to be normalized and even categorized as love, while physical violence can be seen as acceptable as the parties are on a “level playing field”. However, these beliefs are also why abuse is so widespread throughout the LGBTQ+ community. For many new to the community, LGBTQ+ relationships are intense and emotional; sometimes it is the first time someone may feel seen and understood and truly loved. The unfortunate danger of this is that many signs of abuse become mistaken for affection, but the important thing to remember is it’s not the identity that causes the harm; it’s the lack of information and resources available to a community that has been long ignored and marginalized.
How to recognize LGBTQ+ specific abuse:
While abuse in some LGBTQ+ relationships mirrors that of abuse in heterosexual relationships, there is abuse that only occurs within the LGBTQ+ community that is often overlooked. Examples of this abuse include:
• Denying abuse can exist in LGBTQ+ communities
• Blaming the abuse on a partner’s LGBTQ+ identity
• Pressuring a partner to be “out” or “closeted”
• Defining abusive behaviors as a normal part of LGBTQ+ relationships
• Turning mutual friends against a partner
• Targeting a partner’s genitals or chest for physical violence
• Not letting a partner heal from gender affirming surgeries
• Denying a partner access to hormones
• Unwanted public displays of affection in an anti-LGBTQ area (or when a partner is not “out” to the public)
• Threats of suicide by the abusive partner
• Using LGBTQ stereotypes to coerce a partner into particular sex acts
• Using gender roles to control how a partner has sex
• Using words for a partner’s body parts that do not align with their gender identity
• Forcing sex in exchange for necessities like food and housing
• Convincing a partner to not use sexual protection
• Outing a partner
• Using the LGBTQ+ identity to isolate a partner from others
• Intentionally using the wrong pronouns or name with a partner
Many forms of abuse occur within heterosexual relationships that are prevalent in the LGBTQ+ community, including:
• Gaslighting
• Social isolation
• Blame shifting
• Constant criticism and devaluation
• Love bombing
• Conditional love
• Control and Possession
• Stalking
• Rape
• Sexual Assault
What to do if you believe you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship:
First and foremost, seek help. This can be in any form you feel comfortable with, whether it’s a supportive friend or family member, a trusted therapist or other professional, or a domestic violence or LGBTQ+ organization. The first step to getting help is to talk about what’s happening and make a safety plan to get out and protect yourself. For many, an essential part of a safety plan may be a Domestic Violence Restraining Order (“DVRO”). This can protect you and those close to you from further abuse and contact by your abuser. Amongst other things, a DVRO can prohibit your abuser from coming near you, your home, your school, your place of work; it can also prohibit your abuser from contacting you directly or through any third parties. A violation of a DVRO can result in the arrest of the restrained party and other serious legal consequences. While this avenue is utilized much less by those in the LGBTQ+ community, a judge is not allowed to take gender identity, sexuality, or gender expression into consideration when considering the need for protection.
For questions or help with seeking protection from any intimate partner violence, please do not hesitate to reach out to Butler Law, PC. You are not alone.